This new moon I spent a three day weekend with a group of women at the sisterhood gathering here in Platanillo, Costa Rica.
Our first gathering was held three months ago.
This was our second.
Something is growing and manifesting that we can see is very powerful. Yet to where it will continue to flow only spirit knows.
As with the last gathering time spent amoungst the women was profound. Deep stirrings of emotions and many layers exposed then shed.
This gathering I had the opportunity to share some of my wisdom and thoughts. I held two morning routines where we practiced self loving rituals and spoke of many more that we can bring into our lives.
At the end of each morning I spoke devotions to the women in a meditative form then played them a song written and performed by a really good sassy friend of mine back in Australia. On the Sunday morning as I was dancing to this music whilst the women came back into their bodies and slowly rose, one fabulous and juicy lady came to me naked and undressed me. Pretty soon many of others were dancing around the altar topless.
Freedom of movement before breakfast. Shedding of emotional, mental and physical layers before coffee is served.
My kind of morning indeed.
In fact it had been my kind of week end all round.
Emotional processing, continual acts of vulnerability and the out pouring of love and support from women is something I adore and really like to surround myself with.
The day before on the Saturday morning our workshop was dancing freedom lead by the gorgeous Sheya Jordan from Living Love Revolution.
In this hour of dance my spirit soared and my pain rose. At one stage I found myself sobbing helplessly as I crouched in a prayer position bowed down to spirit.
Who would I be if I was not trying to attract or wait for my divine mate in life?
The answer to this question I had posed to myself came to me in waves of grief, letting go and then excitement of the possibility of being really free to be me. I saw in this dance the amount of energy I spend in my head worrying and trying to second guess what is acceptable to others of my behaviour and my words. I saw in many forms how I am trying to please others in order to be accepted.
This leaves me frustrated and hurt and lonely. Alone from myself as I am denying the true me to shine.
As the music changed tempo I danced with an open heart and threw many layers of guilt confusion and shame off of my spiritual body. I allowed my physical body to move to a new rhythm of freedom and stretched my comfort zone to an edge where I felt I was expressing my true self and not one I thought others would be comfortable with.
This dance became a prayer. A poem of heart desires that were singing and moving to my soul and higher self. I asked spirit what it was I needed to do to fully explore this freedom that I desired to be truly me. The answer I received was that of celibacy.
“Holy shit” was my first reaction.
Really?
Or was it celebration that whispered spirit?
So I asked again .
Celibacy .
There it was again.
This time the answer included that there would be something else as well. A new way of being with my relationship with myself and a way of deepening my process with this journey of fully meeting me and making it safe for her to shine and be seen fully in her glorious expression of who I am.
I felt that this other part of the equation would come to me over the next few days.
So celibacy it was then.
It felt safe and it did feel exciting. At the time.
I grappled with it for two days and I knew i needed to make it a declaration in front of the group to make sure I kept to the commitment. The fine line between commitment and letting it all go was one I was too familiar with and for such a momentous declaration as this I could see how easily I could consider taking a few naughty nights or sneaky Sundays off.
Phew.
My life up until now had basically evolved around the constant search for a good lover. I rose every morning in hope of miraculously having one two or three arrive at my door step then in turn spend the days weeks and months ahead orgasmically evolving through time.
Disillusioned at the best of times but immensely hopeful.
The down fall of this whimsical daydream of entwined naked bodies bringing sweaty bliss to my days is that my sense of self is constantly tied up in the validation of sensuality from another.
I have spent the last two years with in the Pleasure Tribe, Red Tent revival and partaking in the self Pleasure Revolution. With in all of these incredible platforms I was able to ignite my own sense of pleasure in myself and begin the most important discovery of my life to date. That of whom I am as a sensual being.
Many layers of shame and guilt have been met, acknowledged and removed.
I have a new best friend in the Jade egg and have no problem at all talking about orgasms and an orgasmic state to any one that is open to discussion. I have deepened my knowledge on women's hormones and how to relate to men using the Queens Code. The past two years have been astounding in my discovery of this glorious world all about me and my yoni.
No longer is my state of bliss optional nor is my pleasure.
In fact the pleasure of all women at this stage of human kind is not optional.
The Dali Llama has stated that the healing of the planet will come through the western woman.
And as far as I have come with healing my young girl wounds around sexual abuse, religious shame and societal oppression of sensual expression I know there is yet still a huge step for me to take.
As it seems this step can be navigated on a true solo path.
Never in my wildest dreams would I believe celibacy to be something I would consider let alone take on and agree to.
In the closing circle yesterday on Sunday December 13th in front of all the women present at the sisterhood gathering I announced I would be taking a vow of celibacy. At the time I did not know for exactly how long. I was considering a year for a moment there until one woman came up to me and literally begged me not to do that. “Holy hell” she said. “Melissa for a woman like you that is a bit extreme”
I do agree. A very daunting task indeed.
So at this stage it is three months.
Three months where my head is not negotiating the ins and outs of men's view on me, ifs and maybes and what on earth just happened ?
Three months of complete inner self discovery and relating to me as me. A woman stepping each beat to her own music that is for me solely. Three months of containing my energy for self and for witness of my true expression.
To accompany this emotional work that lays ahead I am also spending the three months eating only fruit and chocolate. In my world chocolate is cacao and cacao is a fruit. They are all around me hanging from the trees. I can hear them whispering to me to pick and devour them. So along side of cacao, all foods with a seed will be aiding this process of complete shedding and rising of what is hidden.
Hang on to your hats !
I feel like I am in for a wild ride and I look forward to every single moment that presents itself for witness, process, healing and unveiling.
Look out world.
Here I come.
