The Best Love Affair

 

The Best Love Affair

A Sunday evening crawling off of the beach as the sun sets is a good Sunday in deed.

When the beach is flanked by coconut trees and the streets leading away from the shore are also made of sand with most of the traffic being bicycles and pedestrians, it really feels like a Sunday that is stretching every minute to the ultimate in it s lazy afternoon feel. There is no where else to be but in the moment of salt drenched hair and sun kissed skin.

In this soft glow of Sunday bliss I came across a lady I know from the markets where I live in the mountains.

She looked amazing. Her skin was glowing, her long blonde hair was soft and shiny and the smile on her face was brilliant. That smile gave a lot away. There was something going on. She was brighter than I had ever seen her.

As I sat next to her she just continued to look at me grinning like a Cheshire cat whom had found and licked the cream.

"Ok honey" I said. "What is going on? You are beaming and it really suits you. What has happened?"

"Well, " she said. " I have a boyfriend"

 

" I knew it! It had to be really good sex or pregnancy"

"It is amazing". She said. " I am so happy"

And it showed.

She was a woman radiating. Her happiness was contagious and it was a pleasure to be around her.

This woman in lust then went on to tell me all the things that had shifted since the beginning of this new relationship. 

She had stopped drinking coffee, her acne had calmed down, she had lost weight, started exercising, sleeping better and now fitted into her old jeans.

Life was more than peachy. It was like a shiny Christmas ball ball hanging proudly on the tree.

And from where I was sitting it was working. 

The transformation was obvious and beautiful.

 

I returned to my home in the mountains happy for her and wondering when the hell it would be my turn. There was no electricity when I stumbled into my house so I went to bed early wavering between feeling content and de-flunked. This yo yo of being happy on my own and wanting to be in a relationship was one I have grappled with for seven years now. 

Waking this morning before the sunrise, even before the howler monkeys I was still thinking of this phenomenon of how many of us shine when we are in love.

After seven years of being single I knew that I did not really want to wait until I was in love with someone else to have the opportunity to shine.

I had caught myself last night as I blew out the candles self criticising parts of my body that I was not happy with and have not been for forty years, pathetically concluding to myself this is why I am not in love and glowing.

Oh how the mind falls back into self lacerating in those vulnerable moments.

Just before five am the monkeys started to wake howling their way into the dawn.

I went and laid out on the balcony, naked, on the Alpaca rug I bought my son when in Peru.

Seriously. Could it really get better than this?

If I am not in a love affair with some fabulous man that I find completely gorgeous then the person left to be in a love affair with is me.

To fall completely head over heels and madly in love with myself.

To love and adore myself as I am, flaws and all.

To appreciate and honor myself and all that I do.

To treat myself as I would treat a lover.

I want to see if I can elevate my energy of love within my own self. Entering this relationship of self love with my own being.

To carry that glow and shine my light as who I am with only myself to thank for.

I live in a country where the men like some trunk on a woman. They appreciate the form of a lady that leaves her girl like figure behind in those teenage years.

So it is about time I also do the same.

With the sun slowly rising with a midst falling over the ridge, I began my self love affair lying on Alpaca wool. I appreciated the body that is mine. I giggled in adoration and asked myself what it is I would really like to be doing in that moment.

With no buts, if's or should be's I put on my boots and a silk kimono and went down to the water hole and swam with extreme delight in the very fresh water as humming birds flew around searching for nectar in the flowers around me.

In this morning of the beginning of a love affair with myself I caught much of the head talk that is like a tape on repeat. I stopped the negative berating and replaced it with soft smiles and giggles. As I appreciate the water that flowed over my body I appreciated how far I have come with the body I have. The strong body and big heart that is mine.

Even if it is only me that thinks it, at least I think I am awesome and worth living with and adoring in this nature wonderland i am so lucky to live in.

The green green forest of Costa Rica.

 

Chocolate, Fruit & Celibacy

Chocolate, Fruit and Celibacy

This new moon I spent a three day weekend with a group of women at the sisterhood gathering here in Platanillo, Costa Rica.
Our first gathering was held three months ago.
This was our second.
Something is growing and manifesting that we can see is very powerful. Yet to where it will continue to flow only spirit knows.

As with the last gathering time spent amoungst the women was profound.  Deep stirrings of emotions and many layers exposed then shed.
This gathering I had the opportunity to share some of my wisdom and thoughts. I held two morning routines where we practiced self loving rituals and spoke of many more that we can bring into our lives.
At the end of each morning I spoke devotions to the women in a meditative form then played them a song written and performed by a really good sassy friend of mine back in Australia. On the Sunday morning as I was dancing to this music whilst the women came back into their bodies and slowly rose, one fabulous and juicy lady came to me naked and undressed me. Pretty soon many of others were dancing around the altar topless.
Freedom of movement before breakfast. Shedding of emotional, mental and physical layers before coffee is served.
My kind of morning indeed.
 

In fact it had been my kind of week end all round.
Emotional processing, continual acts of vulnerability and the out pouring of love and support from women is something I adore and really like to surround myself with.

The day before on the Saturday morning our workshop was dancing freedom lead by the gorgeous Sheya Jordan from Living Love Revolution.
In this hour of dance my spirit soared and my pain rose. At one stage I found myself sobbing helplessly as I crouched in a prayer position bowed down to spirit.
 Who would I be if I was not trying to attract or wait for my divine mate in life?
The answer to this question I had posed to myself  came to me in waves of grief, letting go and then  excitement of the possibility of being really free to be me. I saw in this dance the amount of energy I spend in my head worrying and trying to second guess what is acceptable to others of my behaviour and my words. I saw in many forms how I am trying to please others in order to be accepted.
This leaves me frustrated and hurt and lonely. Alone from myself as I am denying the true me to shine.
 

As the music changed tempo I danced with an open heart and threw many layers of guilt confusion and shame off of my spiritual body. I allowed my physical body to move to a new rhythm of freedom and stretched my comfort zone to an edge where I felt I was expressing my true self and not one I thought others would be comfortable with.

This dance became a prayer.  A poem of heart desires that were singing and moving to my soul and higher self. I asked spirit what it was I needed to do to fully explore this freedom that I desired to be truly me. The answer I received was that of celibacy.
“Holy shit” was my first reaction.
Really?
Or was it celebration that whispered spirit?
So I asked again .
Celibacy .
There it was again.
This time the answer included that there would be something else as well. A new way of being with my relationship with myself and a way of deepening my process with this journey of fully meeting me and making it safe for her to shine and be seen fully in her glorious expression of who I am.
I felt that this other part of the equation would come to me over the next few days.

So celibacy it was then.
It felt safe and it did feel exciting. At the time.
I grappled with it for two days and I knew i needed to make it a declaration in front of the group to make sure I kept to the commitment. The fine line between commitment and letting it all go was one I was too familiar with and for such a momentous declaration as this I could see how easily I could consider taking a few naughty nights or sneaky Sundays off.
Phew.
My life up until now had basically evolved around the constant search for a good lover. I rose every morning in hope of miraculously having one two or three arrive at my door step then in turn spend the days weeks and months ahead orgasmically evolving through time.

Disillusioned at the best of times but immensely hopeful.
The down fall of this whimsical daydream of entwined naked bodies bringing sweaty bliss to my days is that my sense of self is constantly tied up in the validation of sensuality from another.
I have spent the last two years with in the Pleasure Tribe, Red Tent revival and partaking in the self Pleasure Revolution. With in all of these incredible platforms I was able to ignite my own sense of pleasure in myself and begin the most important discovery of my life to date. That of whom I am as a sensual being.

Many layers of shame and guilt have been met, acknowledged and removed.
I have a new best friend in the Jade egg and have no problem at all talking about orgasms and an orgasmic state to any one that is open to discussion. I have deepened my knowledge on women's hormones and how to relate to men using the Queens Code. The past two years have been astounding in my discovery of this glorious world all about me and my yoni.

 No longer is my state of bliss optional nor is my pleasure.
In fact the pleasure of all women at this stage of human kind is not optional.
The Dali Llama has stated that the healing of the planet will come through the western woman.
And as far as I have come with healing my young girl wounds around sexual abuse, religious shame and societal oppression of sensual expression I know there is yet still a huge step for me to take.

As it seems this step can be navigated on a true solo path.
Never in my wildest dreams would I believe celibacy to be something I would consider let alone take on and agree to.
In the closing circle yesterday on Sunday December 13th in front of all the women present at the sisterhood gathering  I announced I would be taking a vow of celibacy. At the time I did not know for exactly how long. I was considering a year for a moment there until one woman came up to me and literally begged me not to do that. “Holy hell” she said. “Melissa for a woman like you that is a bit extreme”
I do agree. A very daunting task indeed.
So at this stage it is three months.
Three months where my head is not negotiating the ins and outs of men's view on me, ifs and maybes and what on earth just happened ?
Three months of complete inner self discovery and relating to me as me. A woman stepping each beat to her own music that is for me solely. Three months of containing my energy for self and for witness of my true expression.

To accompany this emotional work that lays ahead I am also spending the three months eating only fruit and chocolate. In my world chocolate is cacao and cacao is a fruit. They are all around me hanging from the trees. I can hear them whispering to me to pick and devour them. So along side of cacao, all foods with a seed will be aiding this process of complete shedding and rising of what is hidden.

Hang on to your hats !
I feel like I am in for a wild ride and I look forward to every single moment that presents itself for witness, process, healing and unveiling.
Look out world.
Here I come.