So! Lets Talk About Forgiveness.

So........

lets talk about forgiveness.

This past weeks planetary chaos of Mercury, Mars, Pluto, Jupiter and Saturn in frickin' retrograde all at the same time has been a kin to seven one tonne trucks colliding through the brick wall of my protection throwing dirty laundry around like a hurricane whilst still having to get on with business as usual.

Except today was not so usual.

Being Sunday it was a beach day. A day spent on the beach consoling friends that are each going through their own version of heavy shit. Using the crashing waves to wash away our tears and fears our kids played hard on their boogy boards and laughed at the ocean as we women sobbed.

 

Come two o'clock in the afternoon I needed to be on the internet virtually gathering with a rather fabulous group of women in a conference meeting room.

We all know that with Mercury Retrograde every few months for a few weeks we experience mountains of issues with phones, computers and all electronic communication going haywire.

Mercury Retrograde on a Sunday here in Costa Rica is hell.

Any given Sunday the limited band width of small town internet is bogged down with the new culture of screen time replacing lazy family hammock connection with every man, woman, child and pet mindlessly scrolling down fluro flashes of other people moments in time.

So even though I found myself in a cafe with good wifi ( bonus #1 ) and they served REALLY GOOD coffee ( bonus #2, #3, #4 and so on to infinity) I spent in between my soul warming sips of latte trying to consistently re connect, re boot and re trying to get online with these women in Australia.

Frustrated that I was not able to full fill my part within the online gathering I took solace that it had to do mostly with the dance of the five planets whirling above. Much has been written about pausing in this time. BUT as they say when a planet and more so with five planets going into retrograde opportunities are thrown at us to review, re-visit, remember, re-wire, re-do, re-claim and release.

Weather we damn well want to or not.

With our hands tied behind our backs and cream pies thrown into our faces we are forced to look at all the shit we have done, created and had done to us with trillions of opportunities to forgive.

Grumble grumble, holy hell and really? Right now? This minute?

Well yes.

So even though Mercury messes with electrical wires and stuff the same planet can give us a second chance of communicating with someone where things didn’t go well the first time around. Often we get to unexpectedly bump into our past gaining the chance for some juicy closure or simply receive a message helping us on our yellow brick path.

This is exactly what happened for me in Sibu.

Finally giving up on the meeting, ordering another latte I not only received a message from one dark shadow of a male in my past, but three. All at the same time.

Holy shit.

Three different men, three different continents and three different heart breaks.

Bam...

By the end of all three face book calls and messages, forgiveness was in full flight, loads of love was flying around, kisses galore and promises of speaking again soon.

After spending time in my past it was time to look at my present.

Time to forgive those moments of red flags ignored.

Whilst the planets have been causing havoc upstairs, my life on earth has been caught in a whirlwind of promise with big lips that liked to kiss, but at the end of the day it is not enough.

What does it take for a man to rock my world?

A hell of a lot I am finding out.

So the search still continues and in the meantime I will join Pluto who loves a good detox, be it physical, mental, emotional or spiritual.

Running again up damn steep hills, concentrating on releasing old habits, purging some issues with and without a swig of Ayauasca, I think I will go on retreat in my own house, in my own beautiful jungle, do some hard core healing, clear out my house and wardrobe whilst continuing to keep on following my shiny juicy inner guidance.

The Best Love Affair

 

The Best Love Affair

A Sunday evening crawling off of the beach as the sun sets is a good Sunday in deed.

When the beach is flanked by coconut trees and the streets leading away from the shore are also made of sand with most of the traffic being bicycles and pedestrians, it really feels like a Sunday that is stretching every minute to the ultimate in it s lazy afternoon feel. There is no where else to be but in the moment of salt drenched hair and sun kissed skin.

In this soft glow of Sunday bliss I came across a lady I know from the markets where I live in the mountains.

She looked amazing. Her skin was glowing, her long blonde hair was soft and shiny and the smile on her face was brilliant. That smile gave a lot away. There was something going on. She was brighter than I had ever seen her.

As I sat next to her she just continued to look at me grinning like a Cheshire cat whom had found and licked the cream.

"Ok honey" I said. "What is going on? You are beaming and it really suits you. What has happened?"

"Well, " she said. " I have a boyfriend"

 

" I knew it! It had to be really good sex or pregnancy"

"It is amazing". She said. " I am so happy"

And it showed.

She was a woman radiating. Her happiness was contagious and it was a pleasure to be around her.

This woman in lust then went on to tell me all the things that had shifted since the beginning of this new relationship. 

She had stopped drinking coffee, her acne had calmed down, she had lost weight, started exercising, sleeping better and now fitted into her old jeans.

Life was more than peachy. It was like a shiny Christmas ball ball hanging proudly on the tree.

And from where I was sitting it was working. 

The transformation was obvious and beautiful.

 

I returned to my home in the mountains happy for her and wondering when the hell it would be my turn. There was no electricity when I stumbled into my house so I went to bed early wavering between feeling content and de-flunked. This yo yo of being happy on my own and wanting to be in a relationship was one I have grappled with for seven years now. 

Waking this morning before the sunrise, even before the howler monkeys I was still thinking of this phenomenon of how many of us shine when we are in love.

After seven years of being single I knew that I did not really want to wait until I was in love with someone else to have the opportunity to shine.

I had caught myself last night as I blew out the candles self criticising parts of my body that I was not happy with and have not been for forty years, pathetically concluding to myself this is why I am not in love and glowing.

Oh how the mind falls back into self lacerating in those vulnerable moments.

Just before five am the monkeys started to wake howling their way into the dawn.

I went and laid out on the balcony, naked, on the Alpaca rug I bought my son when in Peru.

Seriously. Could it really get better than this?

If I am not in a love affair with some fabulous man that I find completely gorgeous then the person left to be in a love affair with is me.

To fall completely head over heels and madly in love with myself.

To love and adore myself as I am, flaws and all.

To appreciate and honor myself and all that I do.

To treat myself as I would treat a lover.

I want to see if I can elevate my energy of love within my own self. Entering this relationship of self love with my own being.

To carry that glow and shine my light as who I am with only myself to thank for.

I live in a country where the men like some trunk on a woman. They appreciate the form of a lady that leaves her girl like figure behind in those teenage years.

So it is about time I also do the same.

With the sun slowly rising with a midst falling over the ridge, I began my self love affair lying on Alpaca wool. I appreciated the body that is mine. I giggled in adoration and asked myself what it is I would really like to be doing in that moment.

With no buts, if's or should be's I put on my boots and a silk kimono and went down to the water hole and swam with extreme delight in the very fresh water as humming birds flew around searching for nectar in the flowers around me.

In this morning of the beginning of a love affair with myself I caught much of the head talk that is like a tape on repeat. I stopped the negative berating and replaced it with soft smiles and giggles. As I appreciate the water that flowed over my body I appreciated how far I have come with the body I have. The strong body and big heart that is mine.

Even if it is only me that thinks it, at least I think I am awesome and worth living with and adoring in this nature wonderland i am so lucky to live in.

The green green forest of Costa Rica.