My Vaginal de-armouring experience.
The concept of body armoring began with Wilhelm Reich (1897-1957), who is considered to be the father of somatic psychology. Wilhelm believed that traumatic life events, and sometimes even just intense emotions, cause us to contract or withdraw from our life experience on a deep subconscious level. This internal contraction causes a hardening of the muscular tissue in order to protect or defend. This hardening is what we refer to as "body armoring."
Any area of the body that has been physically traumatized by assault or injury can armour itself.
And incredibly so body armouring happens in response to mental and/or emotional pain—hence it showing up so prominently in our genitals.
And we don't necessary need to experience physical pain to develop armouring especially in our sacred sexual areas.
By just living in a culture that teaches us to disconnect from and fear our natural sexual desires and urges results in us not having full access to our sensations and to maximum sexual and sensual pleasure.
Social beliefs that surround us daily that teach us to be ashamed, scared, intimidated, impure, sinful, dirty, or wrong in any way causes our vaginas to “collect” and take on armour in order to “protect us”
Hearing that "good girls don't...touch themselves, masturbate, have sex, enjoy sex, make a mess during sex." results in shame and harsh judgement being stored in our vaginas
And it goes with out saying that Slut-shaming—being called a tramp, a whore, a slut for having and enjoying sex, or even for being perceived as having and enjoying sex causes armouring.
Rough sex, sex before you are ready, disconnected sex, sex without enough lubrication, and even sex that is anything less than a whole-body "Hell yes!" are also factors.
As are traumatic events such as rape, abuse, and even painful breakups can and do cause genital armoring.
Armoring occurs when the energetic imprint of these traumatic or painful life experiences freeze in the nervous system and aren't released.
An internal contraction or hardening of tissue actually occurs resulting in loss of sensation in that area. Sometimes no sensation at all resulting in numbness. And often there is pain or irritation.
My Personal Story.
For years I have been experiencing pain on and off during sex, especially on my cervix.
I also have been living with a Right hip pain that was resulting me in feeling incredibly old and frail as I would have to maneuver myself out of the bed in the mornings so as not to risk my back giving out. Just recently I was trying once again chiro-practic sessions in hope to gain some relief. And although momentarily these were working, they would not last long.
Leading up to our weekend workshops of Sacred Sexuality “Empowerment Through Pleasure” here in my home in Costa Rica, I was more than eager to receive a Yoni massage and find out for myself what I had heard would be a monumental experience.
During this time I was, and still am, processing deep grief of the very recent brutal death of my beloved. ( You can read about that here ) I was coping somewhat by running around on some kind of automatic getting through each day. I was ready to hand myself over to anything that could change the way I was feeling and all previous nerves and intrigue were pretty much mixed in well with a truck load of hope.
I had heard and was hoping for some intense pleasure and out of this world orgasmic release as something had to break through the pain I was experiencing.
But I was not prepared at all for what did happen.
Shaft Uddin my yoni massage practitioner of the moment, created a safe and sacred space. Even though at the time I was operating on automatic and in a blur most of the time I felt really present and anchored as we entered the sacred container that was completely dedicated to me and my experience.
In fact I have no idea at all how long my session lasted. But I do know it went longer than the assigned three hours.
Laying naked with body, soul and heart exposed in surrender to all possibilities is something every woman should experience ...and not just once in her life. There is something very empowering to be so “SEEN” and completely honoured in a way that is all about you. To lay and be held and touched only for you is a step in creating a container that allows incredible healing. To lay naked knowing that you are safe, to lay naked knowing that you are strongly vulnerable and to lay naked knowing that you are in control is bewitching . It is a right of passage in itself.
During my whole experience I felt heard, respected and seen.
I lay there in anticipation of immense waves of pleasure to come.
But this time, how different it was to be !
When it came the moment for Shaft to begin my internal massage there was a feeling that my whole world was about to be cracked open and I had no idea how.
The moment his fingers began massaging my internal vagina wall I was felt immense pain in places.
Tears came, and they were old old tears. Tears of years of confusion, fear, and anger.
And not just from the years I have lived in this body. But from life times.. I felt in those first few moments I was on the edge of the deep well of many of my lifetimes.
Shaft assured me he was hardly using any pressure at all I could feel shooting pain rushing through my right hip and down my leg. It felt to me like a hot rod was pressing really hard into my vagina and that something was ripping at my pelvis on the right side.
As I let the tears flow and the screams come from deep within my throat, I saw the face of my recently passed beloved looking softly into my eyes. But he was younger looking and it felt as if we were else where, in a dessert. The air seemed dryer all of a sudden. I was seeing a past life. And he was in it.
As the pain increased to a point I thought I may have to pull away, I saw an image of a baby I had been carrying in this one past life with Samuel being ripped from my body as he was being held back by other men. I felt a stake or a spear violently ripping at my flesh in my Right hip where I always experienced pain and I saw our baby being taken away from us. Layers and layers of grief , and heavy heart pain rose and I could not stop crying. I screamed and screamed and saw many more images of us having to run away to be together and I could feel his gentle gentle soul caressing me through out the whole process.
As more images came flooding through my mind and many more emotions rose and fell, thousands of tears cried out of my eyes as I spent well over an hour screaming and writhing in pain, Shaft informed me that he had hardly moved around at all in my Vagina wall...we had not even reached half way . Holy shit.
I felt I had worlds inside of me and even though it hurt like hell it was also a release I could feel my body and spirit had been aching for for decades. I felt like I was changing as the hours went by.
By the time I processed more past lives and more pain and breathed out years of unconscious sexual experiences I was exhausted, but I was not drained.
I felt somewhat softer and stronger, and knew that this would take many more days to integrate.
My whole world had changed. Not through the orgasmic mind shattering bliss I had been expecting but through a healing process on steroids.
Each moment bought more clarity and more peace.
I felt I was returning to myself and finding out from the inside who I was as a woman.
And incredibly enough, my hip pain had diminished immensely.
So much so I do not experience pain in the mornings as I use to.
Creating a sacred boundary between my experience, Shaft as the facilitator and myself as whole woman, responsible for my own actions and reactions, I left this session a changed woman. Completely.
I felt stronger, more cracked open and expanded, knowing that holy shit...this was the beginning of life as I had not known before.
I could not, will not and can not be the same.
I felt as if I had passed through an incredible wave of the ocean , leaving behind the woman I was and stepping into the one more aware. I was at the beginning of a path that stretches out across the rest of my life and from now on it looked orgasmic. Oh my goodness.
I felt lighter freer and excited by all possibilities.
I remember thinking “By god women are incredible “!!
We have the universe inside of us...our own universe .. some call it the yoni-verse.
No wonder for centuries religion and a patriarchal society has been hell bent on shaming killing and denouncing women. When we as a collective , a collective of the female population, are able to take back within us our innate power of pleasure and healing through our sexuality, then our radiance becomes the sweetest of gifts to everyone around us.
This can only cause a ripple effect of healing for the planet. As we bring ourselves back to love on a personal level then the planet can only move further and further into love and peace.
It is your nature as a woman to bring yourself fully to life. To radiate. To create , To penetrate life.
To be woman is actually equivalent to the universal power. The nature of the feminine is to be powerfull, to create, to manifest.
Every single part of you is SACRED and worthy of love and acceptance.
To de-armour yourself, your sacred self, is to inadvertently to de-armour the planet..
One vagina at a time.